[Dailydrool] How Not to Put a Basset Out at Night

[Stanton Rebecca (RQ8) Mid Essex Hospital]

1       Turn TV off in lounge and begin to call basset. Time approximately 11pm.   Note that basset is watching you craftily out of the         corner of his eye while pretending to be asleep.  Continuing calling to no avail so finally do a 1 - 2 - 3 and UP! manoeuvre which      brings him unsteadily and grumpily to his feet.  Head to the door - dadslave at the front, mumslave at the back, cajoling and   cooing. Basset stops halfway to the door to have a stretch but is encouraged gently to proceed.

2.      Open the door.  Basset follows out and stands on the patio, with snooter in the air, sniffing.  Stretches.  Yawns.  Sits down and
        starts scratching.  At this point it must be stressed that mumslave only has a nightie on with slippers, as wellies are still soaked    through from the previous week when she forgot the river had flooded, and she couldn't find her other boots in time.  It must also      be stressed that the temperature outside is around freezing point.

3.      Dadslave blocks the left side of the garden as basset will crawl into undergrowth and refuse to come out.  Both slaves are
        now calling 'wee wees' to basset who looks bored and uninterested.  Finally he stumbles down the garden but when he gets to     the end of the lawn stops and sits down (again).  Dadslave at this point decides he needs to go to the toilet, inside in the warm       (and strangely enough heads upstairs afterwards).

4.      Mumslave can feel the still-soaked grass beginning to seep through her slippers and decides firm action is needed.  As basset is        not inclined to relieve himself, she gets him to his feet and steers him back up the garden.  He then begins to veer to the left, and   she lets him go, convinced that he has finally found an area to sprinkle.  He heads for the far hedge, sniffs, turns, sniffs again,     turns, digs a little and then with a loud HRRRRRMMMPPHHH lies down.  Mumslave fights down rage within. Approaches basset,       kisses him on head and tries to forcibly move.  A loud GRRRRRR is heard and basset seems to have gained 100 lbs in a few        seconds.  Mumslave heads in to house for leash.

5.      Arrive back in garden armed with leash.  Basset takes one look and shoots out of hedge, dancing in front of slave and wagging   tail furiously.  Mumslave makes a dive for basset and he dives under the conifers.  There is no way of reaching him (and he     knows it) so mumslave now heads indoors for a sausage, with wet feet, freezing hands and cursing abundantly.

6.      Chop up a piece of sausage and see basset happily wagging tail at patio door.  Repressing the idea of strangling  basset, let him       in sweetly and say 'on your bed'.  Basset hops gleefully to his bed.  Wipe his ears, snooter etc, put blanket over him, cushion         under his head and say night-night.  Basset charges out of bed and heads to the back door.  Patience has gone totally out of the        window as basset is marched back to bed, blanket is thrown over his head and slave takes 2 Hedex before going to bed.



Mid Essex Hospital Services NHS Trust Caring for you, Caring about you.


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