[Dailydrool] Trading, hiding, tradeoffs, and the intelligent dog

[Val lbrewerzwick]

Aloha, droolers, it’s Mariah the Maraudah of Hawaii.  

I have figured out this silly game the humans play called trade.  It  takes place when you, the basset, have something in your mouth that the humans value, or else the humans think that you value but which they arbitrarily decide you shouldn’t have  because it is “bad for you”.  In these circumstances, the humans approach you and chirp the word  “trade” and offer you a biscuit in exchange for the above-mentioned item. If you surrender the item to them, they give you a biscuit.  That’s how the game is played in my house.

 So when I am in the mood for a biscuit, I  dEliberately go and fetch one of Dad’s leather slippers and seek out a human,  wave the slipper in front of said human, front of said human and trade for a biscuit. (If the human does not offer a biscuit for trade, then I run off and the game turns to “chase” (and  I am faster). And/or  I am glad to chew up the slipper.  So usually they play trade instead .

but  biscuits—meh—they are not slices of roast chicken, slabs of goat or cheddar cheese, or bakery pastries. Dog biscuits are only so motivating when it comes to “trade”, so I only initiate the game if I am feeling especially hungry.  I find dog biscuits minimally enticing—worth a leather slipper, yes, —but not nearly worth something as tasty as a freshly killed dead pigeon with all its feathers intact,  good smelly roadkill, or a countersurfed morsel of  almost any human food—I mean, even a potato chip bag with salty lickings left on the foil.  If I score a prize like this, I do not present it to a human to “trade”.  Instead, very slowly, very quietly, very stealthily I tiptoe out the doggie door into the yard and then under the house to privately enjoy my prize unobserved.  Mom finds my leftover rejects there when she does yardwork.   I would not dream of presenting such a find to humans in trade for their substandard offerings.  Let’s be real..

so, in summary, I would define the “trade” game as a method by which intelligent bassets blackmail gullible humans into dispensing mediocre treats in exchange for even more mediocre items selected by said bassets for the explicit purpose of (1) obtaining treats, (2) gulling the humans into thinking they are doing something called “dog training”), and (3) diverting human attention  from what actually happens when a really desirable item is scored.