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<p class=MsoNormal><b><font size=3 color=black face="Bookman Old Style"><span
style='font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Bookman Old Style";color:black;font-weight:
bold'>HOW TO SPEND A TWO DOG NIGHT</span></font></b><font color=black
face="Bookman Old Style"><span style='font-family:"Bookman Old Style";
color:black'><br>
<br>
<br>
I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For the
few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat, although
I urge beginners to leave the cat out.<br>
<br>
To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed,
the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed.<br>
There is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the
breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the
night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may
be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.<br>
<br>
I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only
way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the
night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever
sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let
Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle". It is also to create leverage.<br>
<br>
Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place by the
dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness
and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip: When you first
lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs
three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When
the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now
slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you
have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again;
otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night.<br>
<br>
NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES' A dog's favorite place to sleep
is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and
you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap,
but it is difficult to describe without slides).<br>
<br>
Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE
HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if
you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle
for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both
dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.<br>
<br>
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to
sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG. (Remember,
you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by
assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more-or
less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and
the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back of
your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly.<br>
<br>
This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with
early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending
to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.<br>
<br>
(author unknown)</span></font><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial'><o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>Helena Poist<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>Proplanner<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><st1:Street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on"><font size=3
face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>2321 North Loop Drive</span></font></st1:address></st1:Street><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on"><font size=3
face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Ames</span></font></st1:City>,
<st1:State w:st="on">IA</st1:State> <st1:PostalCode w:st="on">50010</st1:PostalCode></st1:place><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>helena@proplanner.com<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>515-296-7526<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoAutoSig><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>fax: 515-296-3229<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoPlainText><font size=2 face="Courier New"><span style='font-size:
10.0pt'>http://www.proplanner.com<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
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