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<DIV>Dear Dogs and Cats, </DIV>
<DIV><BR>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. <BR> <BR>The stairway was not
designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
<BR> <BR>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
<BR> <BR>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is
not required. <BR> <BR>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! <BR> <BR>To pacify you, my
dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
<BR> <BR>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our
Pets: <BR><BR>1. They live here. You don't. <BR>2. If you don't want their hair
on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'furniture.)
<BR>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. <BR>4. To you, it's
an animal. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all
fours and don't speak clearly. </DIV>
<DIV><BR>Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: <BR>01. Eat
less <BR>02. Don't ask for money all the time <BR>03. Are easier to train
<BR>04. Normally come when called <BR>05. Never ask to drive the car <BR>06.
Don't hang out with drug-using friends <BR>07. Don't smoke or drink <BR>08.
Don't have to buy the latest fashions <BR>09. Don't want to wear your clothes
<BR>10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and... <BR>11. If they get
pregnant, you can sell their children.<BR></DIV></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>