[Dailydrool] My Next Federal Grant Application

[Beverly Szaton]

Canid Behavior Transferred Through Observation From One Breed to Another:
The Learning Curve Applied to an Otherwise Non-Participatory Canine Breed
in the Middle of the Night.
Theorum:
That one breed of Canine (domestic) is capable of transferring behavior
which is obnoxious to another, normally non-participatory breed and that
this behavior may be manifested at will by the transferring breed to the
non-participatory breed at 3 in the morning.

Presentation:
1.A normal Belgian Sheepdog lives and shares his life with 3 normal Basset
Hounds (that is to say the transferring canines [domestic] in a fairly
normal household. (1a) Presumption is made that any household with 3 Basset
hounds is normal and it is heretofore stipulated by the researcher that
this needs to be explored further in another paper.

2. That said Bassets have developed annoying habit of rousing human
companion (AKA Keeper, handler, cleaner, feeder, general slave duties) to
go outside in the middle of the night.

3.That said Basset Hounds often remove objects of personal value as they
exit the household: toys, socks, dirty laundy specifically underware
belonging to human companion.

4. That said Bassets (Here for convenience named Llewis and Conley since
one Basset no longer has open access to yard) carry objects about, teasing
human companion with play bows and actions designed to make human companion
believe that embarrassing article is about to be returned (Altho Human
Companion, (heretofore referred to as Dummy) has experience which would
seem to dictate that the Basset is not, has no intention of, and quite
deliberately has no intention of returning said item.)

5. That the worse the weather the more likely this behavior HERETOFORE
RESTRICTED TO PARTICIPATORY BASSET BREED is to occur and there is
an adjunct that the closer to the middle of the night the higher the curve
on this behavior. (Personal observation).

Presentation 2:
"Normal" NON-PARTICIPATORY BREED approaches Keeper in the middle of the
night (3 am) and signals intense need to exit domicile and use dog
facilities outside.

1. Keeper stalls.
2. NON-PARICIPATORY canine (heretofore known as Cooper a Belgian Sheepdog
of a practical nature) insists.
3. Keeper hauls ass out of bed and invites dog outside.
4. Dog seems oddly hesitant but on freindly invitation exits at which time
Keeper notes one sock (Keeper has only two working socks left) danging from
FORMERLY Non-Participatory dog's mouth at which time
all bets are off!!!! damnit!!!
Come back, bring it, bring it, good boy, what a good boy, bring it,
bring--no no not the mud no not the mud bring it Cooper please bring it
good boy treat you wanna treat I'll trade you a treat look this isn't fair
I have bare feet and it is raining and cold, Cooper bring it
THAAAAAAAAAAATS a good boy G*%$##&&**((it!!!

5. Keeper stomps to treat box and gets handful, returns to find dog in
middle of yard (muck) wagging tail and in play bow mode. Keeper considers
allowing dog to spend night outside alone in dark with door locked.

6. Dog, in best BASSET form leaves item on pile of something only vaguely
outlined in the dark and returns to house, scarfs treats, and with muddy
feet leaps onto clean Keeper-Bed. Keep puts on muck boots, gets flashlight
and goes outside in the rain, hearing behind her the jeering laughter of
BASSET HOUNDS and retrieves article which now drooly, wet and indeed on a
pile of unmentionable stuff.
Keeper suspects joke would be perfect if dogs knew how to lock doors and
vows to carry key outside from now on.

I think I have a good chance at getting funded for this, if the dogs live
long enough.

MomPerson, changing to dry jammies.....
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